Believe

Being a witness to someone else's pain is, at its core, uncomfortable. Our ability to sense the tragedy of another being's suffering seems innate. We can feel the pain of an animal being hunted as prey. We can imagine ourselves fleeing a war zone or putting our children in boats, because contrary to all human expectation, as Warsan Shire says, "the water is safer than the land."

In many of us, witnessing pain can trigger a desire to do anything to diminish the discomfort of seeing it. We can simply look away and decide not to think about it because there's nothing we can do to help. We can even deny their claim to feel pain, because of this or that reason. We can get defensive and protect ourselves from being beholden to another person's pain. We sometimes diminish their experience by comparing it to what we consider more painful ones. There are even limits to our ability to feel compassion. We ask them to move on or get over it. We could even delight in another person's pain, because sometimes it's easier to believe that people deserve what happens to them, rather than acknowledge that unfairness and paradox is built into our very existence.

Even when we acknowledge pain, it's sometimes done in a manner again to diminish our own discomfort rather than to explore and understand, to find out what exactly is needed in that situation. On a small scale, I see this kind of behavior in myself as a parent, trying to lessen their pain by jumping immediately to try to fix or soothe, or distracting their attention by focusing on the brighter side or looking forward something more pleasant.

I think that while it is possible to focus too much on pain and wallow in the feeling in ways that end up being more harmful than helpful, what most people desire first is simply to be believed. The moment a victim is believed by another primes the relationship for trust. This doesn't necessarily mean the problem will solved, justice will be served, and their pain will go away. But there's the opening for resilience and perhaps some day, recovery through the knowledge that their pain has not gone unseen.